We are The Titans
by Aragorn en Dunedain
Summary: This is a very funny story with almost no plot. If you want a good character development, this isn't it, but if you want a good laugh, READ THIS!


We are The Titans

BEAST BOY

The sun shone over the water like blood pouring from head wound, the tower bathed in its red luminescence. Titans Tower was silent; all except for the faint whistling of the crisp morning wind as it blew through a lightly opened window, and what could be heard just inside. The tune "Brain Damage" could be heard from outside and as Robin stepped out of the shower, the chorus blasted in his face.

_Did I really have it that loud?_ Robin asked himself. Oh well, it was Pink Floyd, and everyone in needs to hear it. Robin grabbed a towel and dried himself off quickly. As he looked out the window, the red glow on the water slowly faded to yellow.

Robin dressed and flipped out his I-pod. This was a convenient little device, and Robin had been using it quite a lot lately. As he walked out of his room he saw Raven reading, Starfire washing the windows, Beast Boy drawing something, and Cyborg was making breakfast. Waffles.

The pleasant aroma of he hot waffles and syrup filled the tower, and although this scent was common, it just made you want to say, "Mmmmm." Just then Beast Boy interrupted the sweet silence.

"You know how we've had some problems with intruders lately?" He said.

"No," Raven replied.

"Well, fear no more," Beast Boy continued revealing his drawing, "I've decided to defend our tower with an army of Nina hamsters!"

There was a chorus of groans around the room as the green Titan said this, and, as usual, Beast Boy had ruined yet another perfectly good morning.

"What," Beast Boy inquired. Raven walked over to the green one and elbowed him in the gut before proceeding to her room. Beast Boy fell to the ground with a groan, and Cyborg walked over and kicked him, snickering.

When the waffles were done, Beast Boy sat at the table holding his abdomen. All of the Titans except the green one (and Raven, in her room) ate eagerly. Beast Boy felt rejected. Raven had said one day that, "Good morning is an oxymoron." Whatever that meant, Beast Boy agreed today.

He felt as though the Titans didn't want his input and that's what he wouldn't give them. Robin told Beast Boy that if he wasn't going to eat he should make himself useful. Beast Boy stuck his chin out defiantly silently saying, "You're not the boss of me," and then did exactly as he was told.

Later, Robin came into Beast Boy's room.

"I need a favor," he said.

"Huh?"

"A little team work. If you scratch my back I'll scratch yours. Do you know what I mean?"

Beast Boy knew what he meant.

He began to scratch Robin's back, and Robin said, "That's not what I meant. I need you to do me a favor."

"Huh?" Beast Boy replied.

"Oh, nevermind!" Robin said leaving the room. As he left he muttered, _sometimes I agree with Raven about Beast Boy's stupidity._

Beast Boy had no idea what Robin had been talking about. _ Favor? What do you mean favor? _He thought._ He thinks he has problems, what about me?_ Beast Boy had no idea what he was thinking, so he stopped thinking. This was something that he did often. In fact, 90 of the time he wasn't thinking, and when he did think, his ideas were not accepted. This all came from too much television and video games. "It rots your brain," Raven had said. Beast Boy didn't get it.

RAVEN 

"It rots your brain," Raven said. Beast Boy didn't get it.

"You just don't understand television," Beast Boy replied. He walked off muttering to himself. _Crazy bastard,_ Raven thought.

The next day she elbowed Beast Boy in the gut and marched to her room. She took out her I-pod (everyone had one these days) and played Godsmack songs. "Why is it everyday that I feel the pain?" The song said. Raven could identify with that. Beast Boy was a major pain. He was kind of lovable, though, but this could never be spoken of.

There's not much to tell about Raven, other than the fact that she's part demon. Raven felt that it was important to tell the other Titans about it; so important, in fact, that she didn't tell them. Beast Boy didn't get it.

"I don't get it," he said.

"There's nothing to get," Raven replied.

"If it's SO important to you why don't you tell us."

"You'd have to be in my mind to understand it."

"Do you still have that mirror?"

"You can't use it."

"Then how will I understand?"

"By using the mirror."

"But I can't!"

"Bingo," Raven said as she stalked back into her room.

Beast Boy was pretty stupid. Everyone knew that. _Why can't I have a crush on Robin? He's smart, _Raven thought to herself. The next day Starfire wore a "Smart Guys Rock!" T-shirt, which didn't help.

Raven's story was a sad one; so sad, that it made you feel better. It's that sad. Beast Boy knocked on the door one day.

"Can I see you?" He asked.

"No."

"When can I?"

"When I go to sleep."

"Okay. I'll come back when you're asleep."

He did, but Raven was asleep. The next morning he asked, "When can I talk to you?"

"When I'm asleep," Raven replied.

"But you'll be asleep."

"Well then, you'll have to come back the next morning."

"Okay, when can I see you then?"

"When I'm asleep."

"ARG! When can I see you when you're not asleep?"

"Never."

Beast Boy was extremely easy to confuse, and this was the second time Raven had thoroughly outsmarted him. She closed her door. Raven and Beast Boy had many moments like this. Raven found it enjoyable, and she was sure Beast Boy didn't. That's what made it enjoyable.

CYBORG 

Beast Boy stood in the middle of the hallway stunned. He then thought of Raven's sad story, but it didn't make him feel better. "_She thinks she has problems, what about me?"_ He still didn't know what he was thinking, so he stopped.

The green one felt that there was still one person that hadn't rejected him. He went to this person for help.

"No," Cyborg said.

"What?"

"No."

"What do you mean no?"

"No," Cyborg said once more. It was more or less an instinct now, considering all the bad things that Beast Boy had asked for.

Cyborg walked away. He couldn't help but regret the fact that what Beast Boy wanted might have been really important. Then he thought of Raven's sad story, and it made him feel better.

As Cyborg entered his room, Robin cornered him.

"Did you say that I have been doing a horrible job of leading the team?" He inquired.

"When did I say that?"

"I'm asking the questions here," Robin retorted, "When did you say that?"

"I didn't."

"You haven't answered my question! When did you say that?"

"I didn't."

"All right then. Now we're getting somewhere. When DIDN'T you say that I was a horrible leader?"

"What kind of question is that?"

"Are you questioning me again?" Robin yelled.

"No!" Cyborg responded quickly.

"When didn't you say that I was a horrible leader."

"Um… I ALWAYS didn't say you were a horrible leader."

"Okay then, when did you say that I was a horrible leader?"

"I didn't."

"Excuse me?"

"I mean, I never said that, and I always didn't say it."

"Good." Robin said. He was pleased that Cyborg wasn't the culprit. He then pondered something in his mind for a moment. "Cyborg," he said, "What kind of name is that?"

"It's Cyborg's name, Robin," Beast Boy said as he walked past the door.

"That makes more sense now," Robin continued, "Come to think of it, what kind of name is Beast Boy?"

"It's Beast Boy's name, Robin," Cyborg said.

"Yes, that makes sense. Okay then, you are free of all charges."

Raven had been listening to the conversation also; she had begun to have serious doubts about Robin's intelligence.

Cyborg's story was a sad one, but not as sad as Raven's, and that made Cyborg feel better. Cyborg never told anybody exactly how he became part robotic, but it didn't matter. All that mattered was the fact that Raven was worse off than he was.

Beast Boy was a scapegoat. Beast Boy didn't know what that meant.

"I don't know what that means!"

Raven then said it was his fault he didn't know what it meant. She then said that it was Beast Boy's fault that it was his fault. She then blamed global warming on Beast Boy, then depletion of the ozone layer on Beast Boy. (This was partially true, because methane from cows damages the ozone layer.) Beast Boy asked Cyborg for help.

"Why do you guys blame stuff on me?" He asked.

"Because you're our scapegoat," Cyborg replied.

"I don't know what that means!"

"Like Raven said, it's your fault."

"Then how is global warming my fault?"

"Because you are our scapegoat."

"I don't know what that means!"

"That's your fault."

It was true: it was his fault. And if that were true, than global warming must be his fault too. He was saddened, but then he thought of Raven's sad story, and he felt better.

Cyborg wasn't as good at outsmarting Beast Boy as Raven was. Raven had also taken all of the good ideas. It was harder for Cyborg to be mean to Beast Boy, but not when everything was his fault. World hunger was Beast Boy's fault for Christ's sake. But Cyborg couldn't get rid of Beast Boy because then it would become _his_ fault. It couldn't be Robin's fault because he was the leader, it couldn't be Starfire's fault because she's an alien, so the only other scapegoat could be Raven. This wouldn't work because she would say, "It's your fault it's my fault," and all of it would become Cyborg's fault.

Most of the time you could think of Raven's sad story and feel better, but what if Raven wanted to feel better? Then you need a scapegoat. Beast Boy was the perfect scapegoat because eventually he will think it really is his fault.

Cyborg felt bad for Beast Boy. He figured he should go apologize, and that's exactly why he didn't do it. It was all Beast Boy's fault anyway.

STARFIRE 

"It's my fault," Beast Boy said.

"What?" Starfire said surprised.

"It's my fault."

"What is your fault?

"It"

"What is it?"

"I don't know, but it's my fault."

"Oh," Starfire said confused. She didn't get Beast Boy. She didn't really get anyone. All she could do was marvel at the stupidity of the others. Were all humans like this? It seemed impossible that everyone could be that one-sided and stubborn.

Robin was Starfire's best friend, and as such, would never do anything to help her. "You think you have problems? What about me?" Robin said one day. Starfire asked him why that sounded familiar. Just then Beast Boy walked by and said, "You think you have problems, Robin? What about me?"

"I'm the one asking the questions here!" Robin retorted, and at this, Beast Boy ran away on instinct. Starfire just glared at Robin. It was unlike him. Starfire was new to Earth, but it only took one conversation to change her personality.

One day, she had asked about sex, something that was never explained to her. After that, she was never the same. "Why don't you whip me?" She would say at night.

"You're out of your goddamn head!" Robin would shout back. Robin decided that talking to Starfire was dangerous, and that's why he talked to her whenever he could. Beast Boy didn't get it.

"Why won't you whip Starfire?" He said.

All Robin could do was stare at Beast Boy stunned. Beast Boy could only stand there. He didn't know what he was thinking, so he stopped. Then he walked over to Raven's room and asked her out. When he was thrown through the wall, he muttered, "Houston, I think I have a problem."

Starfire couldn't help Beast Boy think. Whenever somebody talked to him he stopped thinking, so talking to him wouldn't help. At the same time, not talking to him wouldn't help anything.

Starfire was good friends with Raven, so she would never go out of her way to talk to her. Starfire was pretty much the only person Raven could talk to about anything, since all the men were morons. One day Raven realized that Starfire was a moron too.

"Starfire, I think you're a moron."

"Um."

"I just realized it."

"What?"

"Starfire, you're a moron."

Starfire was crushed. She never knew she was a moron before. Starfire thought deeply about her moronic ways and realized that she truly was a moron. She thanked Raven for the pointer.

"Don't mention it, moron," Raven said.

Starfire went to Robin that night and said, "Robin, I'm a moron."

"What?"

"I'm a moron."

"Who said that?"

"Raven."

"Well, go tell Raven that she's a moron!"

Starfire did, "Raven, you're a moron."

"Who said that?" Raven asked.

"Robin."

"Well, go tell Robin that he's a moron!"

Starfire did, "Robin, you're a moron."

"No YOU'RE a moron!" Robin retorted. It was final. Starfire was a moron. She couldn't help it, so she asked the only other she felt was a moron for help.

"Beast Boy, what do you do when you're a moron?" She asked.

"Run and hide in my hamster cage, why?"

"I'm just a moron."

"You think you've got problems? What about me?"

"You have problems?"

"NO! And STOP ASKING."

Beast Boy ran and hid in his hamster cage. At this point, Starfire felt that she really was a moron.

ROBIN 

Robin's parents were killed in a trapeze accident. His story was a sad one, but not as sad as Raven's, and that made him feel better.

Starfire was a moron. She was a moron because she never did anything stupid. This confused Starfire, which made her a moron.

Robin was the natural leader; therefore he was horrible at leading. Often Robin would lead the Titans into a situation where they couldn't win, and so they lost. Eventually the Titans would prevail, but this was only because their enemies were just as moronic.

Starfire addressed Robin about this problem. To her surprise, he eagerly gave up his post as leader to Starfire. The first thing she did was fire Robin. Beast Boy didn't get it.

"Why did you fire Robin?" He asked.

Starfire didn't answer. She didn't know.

Robin tried to join the Titans again. His attempts failed, so he tried signing the application as a different person. He started signing the application as Tom Tompson, and it was accepted. The Titans gave him some more paperwork, which he signed the same way. When Tom Tompson grew monotonous, he signed as Tompson Tom. Eventually a CIA man came to Robin.

"Have you seen these?" The CIA man said showing the papers signed "Tom Tompson."

"No." Robin lied.

"Good. Do you know of anyone named Tom Tompson in your neighborhood?"

"No."

"Very well. We can work as a team then to try to catch whoever has been signing these. I'll get back to you."

As he left the room, Robin realized that lying had saved him. He realized that lying could solve all of his problems, so he continued signing his paperwork as Tom Tompson.

Eventually another CIA man came and asked him if he'd seen some papers signed Tom Tompson. Robin said no. When the CIA man was about to leave, he said to tell him if anyone said anything about Tom Tompson. Robin agreed.

Just after the second CIA man left, the first CIA man stormed into Robin's apartment.

"Did someone just walk in here and ask you about Tom Tompson?" He asked.

"As a matter of fact, someone did." Robin replied.

"Looks like we have a real case on our hands," the CIA man said, and with this he left. Just then the second CIA man barged in Robin's apartment. "Did someone just come in here and ask you about Tom Tompson?" The second CIA man asked,

"Yes," Robin replied.

"Who was it?"

"A CIA man," Robin said.

"I'm the CIA man around here," the second CIA man said, "It looks like a real case on our hands," and he left.

Robin hadn't lied that time, and he still wasn't in trouble. The two CIA men would duke it out, and nothing would happen to Robin.

Eventually, Starfire decided to let Robin back into the Titans. Starfire then resigned from her post as leader, and appointed Tom Tompson the new leader. Tom Tompson didn't do a very good job of leading because he was never there. The Titans never knew what happened to Tom Tompson. He had filled out all the paperwork. Why wasn't he there? It puzzled all of the Titans.

Unfortunately, the Titans could not appoint a new leader, because Tom Tompson hadn't resigned. It was horrible. The Titans couldn't "save the day" because Tom Tompson wouldn't say "Titans GO!" Beast Boy solved the problem.

One day he said he could talk to Tom Tompson. The other Titans believed him because Beast Boy had had many imaginary friends. Beast Boy said that Tom Tompson didn't want to be in the Teen Titans anymore, and had appointed Robin as the new leader.

It was all over the papers. "TOM TOMPSON QUITS TEEN TITANS!" were the headlines. There was also a short column on how nobody could get a good picture of Tom Tompson.

Some people complained about waste of paper when interviews with Tom appeared as the interviewer asking a question and the answer being several blank pages.

A third CIA man came to Robin and asked him if he'd seen Tom Tompson. Robin said no, and this was the truth, because no one had seen Tom. The CIA man took Robin's word for it and accused all of the newspapers of libel.

Robin decided that telling the truth was better than lying.

THE TITANS 

The Teen Titans were a group of five lying, cheating, stupid, idiotic, one-sided, stubborn, moronic, blaming, bunch of weird, psychotic, stupid, idiotic, cheating, lying, moronic, stubborn teenage superheroes. No one was more deserving of a sentence as long as that.

All in all, they were insane, as with most people in America these days. Beast Boy was crazy. _Crazy bastard,_ Raven had thought. That crazy bastard might be the only sane one left.


End file.
